Last night Bach held his hand to me through
the hum and vibrations of a weeping cello.
He'd been in Leipzig too long
he was sad, angry and tired.
I had nothing to offer except the pathetic look
on my face. He turned from me, shaking his head.
He bent over and sat quietly for hours.
He then played something in the air;
I was too ignorant to see his images.
when I came back years and years later
I found the sound of lament
expressed in something beyond heaven's melodies.
(2006)
Saturday, November 04, 2006
Ashen
The sadness doesn't really pass because the storm has gone.
Now the sun shines brightly and burns its mark onto my pale skin
I am still afraid to walk into the light, to be among others.
The scars on the outside are long gone though it itches,
beneath the skin, beneath the China wall of protection;
the organs on the inside, once reliable turns to liquid.
The pillars are no more yet they believe in sodden limestone;
the chalk of my heart now can only draw crooked lines.
The protective circles, the ghost's mandala has lost all magic.
When she holds my hand; the suffering old woman,
there is a bit of me who wants to hang on, to try and heal;
and then the moon falls and sun rises and I turn to ash.
(November 4, 2006)
Now the sun shines brightly and burns its mark onto my pale skin
I am still afraid to walk into the light, to be among others.
The scars on the outside are long gone though it itches,
beneath the skin, beneath the China wall of protection;
the organs on the inside, once reliable turns to liquid.
The pillars are no more yet they believe in sodden limestone;
the chalk of my heart now can only draw crooked lines.
The protective circles, the ghost's mandala has lost all magic.
When she holds my hand; the suffering old woman,
there is a bit of me who wants to hang on, to try and heal;
and then the moon falls and sun rises and I turn to ash.
(November 4, 2006)
once upon a thursday
i hung out with my friend jeremy in the city on thursday evening and friday evening because he will be leaving california to go back to michigan soon so we were all over the place getting him prepared for his drive home and having fun while at it...
you can see the rest of the photos from this adventure here!
Thursday, November 02, 2006
Jeudi Matin
Thursday comes
with the influence
of grey clouds
and heaven's tears.
It is autumn
so the slow
dallying drizzle
completes a picture
and settles
my expectations
to the mood
of an earthy Autumn.
(November, 2006)
with the influence
of grey clouds
and heaven's tears.
It is autumn
so the slow
dallying drizzle
completes a picture
and settles
my expectations
to the mood
of an earthy Autumn.
(November, 2006)
Wednesday, November 01, 2006
from my "yet to be lost writings"
"24 Feb, 2006. 21:06h
Sometimes I miss her.
I miss the conversations we used to have. Sometimes I hear music and the universe we shared comes back into my mind the way air fills empty space. Sometimes the melodies are footsteps that I hear in the core of my being. When I turn my eyes to see the person they belong to all I can find are whispers of the dust that has been disturbed. There was no one in physical form. There are the ghost reflections of my mind. There are reflections in space of the person who once stood right where my mind imagined her to be.
I close my eyes, take a deep breath and bring her scent, her ethereal presence into my lungs and for a moment, breathe the air of paradise lost."
Sometimes I miss her.
I miss the conversations we used to have. Sometimes I hear music and the universe we shared comes back into my mind the way air fills empty space. Sometimes the melodies are footsteps that I hear in the core of my being. When I turn my eyes to see the person they belong to all I can find are whispers of the dust that has been disturbed. There was no one in physical form. There are the ghost reflections of my mind. There are reflections in space of the person who once stood right where my mind imagined her to be.
I close my eyes, take a deep breath and bring her scent, her ethereal presence into my lungs and for a moment, breathe the air of paradise lost."
in the genes
so i had the bright idea to send my aunt in france a message yesterday asking if my father wrote much, especially poetry when he was alive and if she might have any of his notebooks or journals.
she replied to me that if he did, she never received any of it. however, she said he did have a gift with language – something that i have seemed to inherited. i didn't have any expectations but was a little saddened. how great it would be if any of his notebooks survived and i could read them.
alors, at least i got some of the good genes...
she replied to me that if he did, she never received any of it. however, she said he did have a gift with language – something that i have seemed to inherited. i didn't have any expectations but was a little saddened. how great it would be if any of his notebooks survived and i could read them.
alors, at least i got some of the good genes...
Prospecting
The machine pulls at the earth
the way my tie pulls at my neck.
Both want something but can’t agree
on what is more valuable,
the blood of the living
or the fossil of the dead.
the way my tie pulls at my neck.
Both want something but can’t agree
on what is more valuable,
the blood of the living
or the fossil of the dead.
Tuesday, October 31, 2006
Kitchen Knives
Eight of Swords
5" x 7" watercolor and graphite on paper, 2006.
Kitchen Knives
by Christine Boyka Kluge
On the counter,
a forest of knives quivers,
vertical trunks burnished
and joined with brass.
They keep their dangerous mirrors
hidden.
Twisting pointed blades
in the butcher block stand,
they anticipate the grip
of your unwary hand
as you lift
your silver face
from the dark narrow slot.
You glimpse your own pale eye—
glimmering,
looking up like a lost blue star
from the sharp edge
of your tiny universe.
--
about the eight of swords: A woman is tied and blindfolded within a cage of swords. This is the "damned if you do, damned if you don't," card. The Querent is in a situation where they're afraid to move. If they move, they'll get cut. However, the ropes that bind them, the blindfold over their eyes, are their own fears, keeping them still, immobile. And so the longer they stay, the more they constrain and entrap themselves. Ever been in a situation where you're afraid to say anything, so afraid that you second guess yourself, end up saying nothing, tying yourself in knots? But speaking up is going to get you cut to ribbons? That's this card. The Querent must have the strength to endure the cuts, else they'll stay trapped. They must move, for the longer they let the situation continue, the worse it will get.
(source: aeclectic tarot)
Monday, October 30, 2006
Birthday
Morning's arrival was accompanied by cold.
The first dawn of the season when my bones
hummed the density of chilled violet air.
Apropos it was, it caused wonder in my head;
what events and intersections would reveal in this day?
I started a painting of a dying girl just in case.
Watching the transparent pigment lose themselves
in the field of scratchy divots had a certain comfort;
viridian green, cadmium yellow and always ochre.
Watching the pools dry, not unlike dewed grass
receiving the life of sky's golden orb; the warmth,
what looks so rough wet finishes like molten dunes.
As the sun rose above the neighbor's eaves,
I pulled myself away from the desk to make tea.
Walking downstairs into the empty great room
I found a metaphor of my entrance into my next chapter.
These new pages aren't acid balanced; have no guarantee,
but patiently i wait while tea brews, inhaling the fragrance.
October 28, 2006
The first dawn of the season when my bones
hummed the density of chilled violet air.
Apropos it was, it caused wonder in my head;
what events and intersections would reveal in this day?
I started a painting of a dying girl just in case.
Watching the transparent pigment lose themselves
in the field of scratchy divots had a certain comfort;
viridian green, cadmium yellow and always ochre.
Watching the pools dry, not unlike dewed grass
receiving the life of sky's golden orb; the warmth,
what looks so rough wet finishes like molten dunes.
As the sun rose above the neighbor's eaves,
I pulled myself away from the desk to make tea.
Walking downstairs into the empty great room
I found a metaphor of my entrance into my next chapter.
These new pages aren't acid balanced; have no guarantee,
but patiently i wait while tea brews, inhaling the fragrance.
October 28, 2006
Sunday, October 29, 2006
dream journal: oct 29
last night i had a dream that i was watching an old man in prison.
it was of another time perhaps. he was old. he sat on the floor of his cell atop the strewn straw. he made little trinkets to be sold, perhaps to repay a debt for why he was in prison. i could not tell if i was in the same cell or in another one or just invisible. it was like being in some other place as an observer where no one could see me and i could not affect the situation.
it saddened me.
the trinkets seemed to be maltese crosses cut of tin or aluminum. the edges were rough, burn. they had wires that could stand themselves up or be hung. before waking, i felt very upset because he was gone. perhaps taken away.
i felt a strong sense of injustice. i remember muttering in my waking side that he would be lost among a thousand unknown faces and be forgotten.
i woke up with tears in my eyes.
it was of another time perhaps. he was old. he sat on the floor of his cell atop the strewn straw. he made little trinkets to be sold, perhaps to repay a debt for why he was in prison. i could not tell if i was in the same cell or in another one or just invisible. it was like being in some other place as an observer where no one could see me and i could not affect the situation.
it saddened me.
the trinkets seemed to be maltese crosses cut of tin or aluminum. the edges were rough, burn. they had wires that could stand themselves up or be hung. before waking, i felt very upset because he was gone. perhaps taken away.
i felt a strong sense of injustice. i remember muttering in my waking side that he would be lost among a thousand unknown faces and be forgotten.
i woke up with tears in my eyes.
En Prête? (2006)
There was a time when things felt different.
The oddity of light coming through
curtains disturbing silent fibers
brought about a sense of wonderment.
My eyes morphed into a child’s;
my knowledge replaced by curiosity.
It was a glow that comes faster
than Gabriel’s note, Hermes’s letter.
Now, glories of annunciation have gone,
replaced with “Is it time to go?”
I’m ready in this flesh and liquid of crimson;
only my mind is hesitant, like a loon in circles.
Then the writing on my palms say,
“Are you ready? The boatman awaits.
You must leave regrets here, your sadness too.”
It is time to go, I hear Rachmaninoff.
The piece found in a Scottish winter;
let it come, replace this earth bound vessel.
The oddity of light coming through
curtains disturbing silent fibers
brought about a sense of wonderment.
My eyes morphed into a child’s;
my knowledge replaced by curiosity.
It was a glow that comes faster
than Gabriel’s note, Hermes’s letter.
Now, glories of annunciation have gone,
replaced with “Is it time to go?”
I’m ready in this flesh and liquid of crimson;
only my mind is hesitant, like a loon in circles.
Then the writing on my palms say,
“Are you ready? The boatman awaits.
You must leave regrets here, your sadness too.”
It is time to go, I hear Rachmaninoff.
The piece found in a Scottish winter;
let it come, replace this earth bound vessel.
Mirage (2006)
It is another cold moment in the autumn night.
There are nightbirds and moths flickering outside
the dark window trying to get in.
(Why would creatures that could fly even
choose incandescent light over
phosphorus points on this earth’s ceiling?)
He stares at the semi-reflections on the window
trying to see past the double panes of memory.
Images present aren’t discernable between
objects in the distance or reflections behind him.
Behind him in his mind is not a physical distance
but frayed remnants of emotional wakes.
There are nightbirds and moths flickering outside
the dark window trying to get in.
(Why would creatures that could fly even
choose incandescent light over
phosphorus points on this earth’s ceiling?)
He stares at the semi-reflections on the window
trying to see past the double panes of memory.
Images present aren’t discernable between
objects in the distance or reflections behind him.
Behind him in his mind is not a physical distance
but frayed remnants of emotional wakes.
Traces (2006)
There are melodies deep in my heart
Somewhere in the past, she put them there.
There are memories in my vision
Of southern France, she placed them there.
There are verses in my book,
She put them there in Alexandria.
She keeps for me lines
In red silk.
She holds for me
faces of a past I have forgotten.
She shapes for me faces
In a future that has yet to come.
Somewhere in the past, she put them there.
There are memories in my vision
Of southern France, she placed them there.
There are verses in my book,
She put them there in Alexandria.
She keeps for me lines
In red silk.
She holds for me
faces of a past I have forgotten.
She shapes for me faces
In a future that has yet to come.
Réveiller
Since I saw a certain picture an idea that has been stumbling around in my head...
Reveiller (Octover 29, 2006)
Early in the cool autumn morning
my senses not yet functioning,
she brings me a platter of fruit
with a cup of jasmine tea.
The white blossom's aroma
assault the lingering sleep in me.
Her gentle hand on the back of my neck
stirs something deep inside,
taking me back to an undiscovered country.
The mind's eye tries to trip the shutter
like a camera needing a tripod.
The skin's raw nerves try to grip
the sensation like a mantis holding prey.
a streak of light from the vertical blinds
find a spot on my face, crossing my pupils.
Morning's luminosity push me from the fake death,
stirs my reality, forces focus and I find
myself alone clutching an unfamiliar silken scarf.
Reveiller (Octover 29, 2006)
Early in the cool autumn morning
my senses not yet functioning,
she brings me a platter of fruit
with a cup of jasmine tea.
The white blossom's aroma
assault the lingering sleep in me.
Her gentle hand on the back of my neck
stirs something deep inside,
taking me back to an undiscovered country.
The mind's eye tries to trip the shutter
like a camera needing a tripod.
The skin's raw nerves try to grip
the sensation like a mantis holding prey.
a streak of light from the vertical blinds
find a spot on my face, crossing my pupils.
Morning's luminosity push me from the fake death,
stirs my reality, forces focus and I find
myself alone clutching an unfamiliar silken scarf.
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