Wednesday, August 31, 2005

fuzzy air

all around me the air seems fuzzy. maybe it is because i've been up since early. there is a mellowness to my state now that is unusual. i'm rarely mellow. maybe it is a response to all the things that are there in life that bend us out of shape. maybe it is a sign that though i trip up all the time i'm still moving forward. people ask and i mostly don't have an answer. sometimes one really doesn't need to know why, just know you are on the path where you ought to be. try to walk it as best you can...

Sunday, August 28, 2005

no warning

sometimes realizations come to you without warning. you are sitting there talking to a friend about something and in trying to explain your point you find an epiphany. if you are lucky enough upon this unveiling not to fall over or feel suddenly nauseus it could be an interesting passage. when you see yourself in the light of another's illumination, things appear that you know are undeniable but you were absolutely not ready for. in this particular case, it is a strange thing for someone else to confirm those strange rumblings inside of your heart. they point out the obvious that you aren't really quite ready to accept. so if you accept them, then what happens?

the shape that my heart molds itself to is not something to be given lightly. it is a strange and somewhat blunt awakening to realize that i have little control over. it is a reminder that i actually have little control over much that happens. i struggle to be open to situations and to see what the horizon offers. this does not in any means remove the ever natural and present sense of fear that accompanies the effort.

yes i am trying to be vague. i am trying to be vague as i might be when telling her how i feel. i am trying to be vague because it is something i've brought up once before and really don't want to go there again but this is just the way it is.

i am in strange territory and in most cases i would never find myself in this place. i would not allow such a thing. nevertheless, i am where i am. it is now pointless to try to understand it now. this is a time of flowing with the stream and learning how to surf on the lines of least resistance. i am teaching myself how not to fret about the dangers of the adventure i'm in. i'm learning how not to fear about the things i have no control over. i am learning that i feel the way i feel and this will lead to something that i don't understand but that is okay. i don't have to understand.

the shape of something inside is changing. i have no control over it and that is okay too. come autumn when leaves are shed in some distant land something here will be affected and i will be ready.

until then there is repose, not in the way john singer sargent would have depicted it but it will hold. i know in the visions of these experiences there is something of the light of the morning and late afternoon. the other periods of the day can be left out for the labeling of being fantastical.

mackerel skies

mackerel skies line the ceiling of my world today. little bands of white clouds hide evasive strains of the sky. in this same way she hides those parts that don't want to be seen. with fuzzy edges and transparencies she divulges clues that let me triangulate her position.

matching the moves of another emotional nomad is almost as challenging as figuring out the twists and redirection of your own heart. this is especially true when your heart wants to dart and turn like a minnow fleeing a prey.

is it a game of predator and prey? the way people move between camouflage and presence like a changing of moods?

equine behaviour

the measure of the distance between a sunflower's petals to the hive is written in the spin of a bee's dance.

he has seen the dance and now is quested with finding the location. it is a bit of a quest between realms, the distance between where he is and where she resides.

it is a bit of a journey into forests with foliage unfamiliar that would confuse him. he is timid about the swirls in his heart though not of the creatures in this forest. she lies out there in the midst of these arboreal giants. a faerie she might be he is not quite sure.

it is more important that she kicks the soil in the equine manner that he might expect.

somewhere in another incarnation, they must have run together. these crossing of paths don't happen in random...