Night Oleander

Follow me to my true center
Find the true nature of this body
Reveal the honesty of your desire

November 6, 2007

equusignis

Maze

A fragment found in one of my notebooks:

"Love is a maze in which the corridors are hidden within our own hearts that even we cannot see so we stumble through the hidden lanes like a blind person in the Minotaur's labyrinth. The only way to see it truly is to tear our heart apart and risk the price of death to see an ephemeral vision of our own love's truth."

November 16, 2006

I don't know what was on my mind at the time I wrote this but now I understand what I was trying to say.

Changes

For the second time in over a month, I actually was still in deep slumber when morning came – as opposed to being already wide awake or having not fallen asleep at all from the night before and/or from the night before that. In the midst of my emotional maelstroms I always lose sleep but never like this before. The first week found me going for 7-8 days with only half an hour or an hour of sleep a night. I'd almost stopped eating. A piece of fruit here, a little cereal, a glass of milk (and I don't normally drink milk), peanuts, ice cream. Yeah, really healthy considering my normal eating habits. One day I came out of the shower and weighed myself. I'd lost 9 lbs in a week (and I only weigh 118 lbs). I think it was somewhere around there that I decided something had to change or I'd disappear into thin air.

I tried to breathe the air again and see if it felt any different. There was the start of some musty scents that were sure signs of autumn. They are even there in a land with not quite real seasons and even in suburbia. My eyes could still recognize the beauty in the hues of fallen leaves, the hues of decay. Even in decay there is beauty.

I don't know where this is all taking me but I know autumn is a time for for many things to turn down, decay, go dormant in order to rise again. Whatever comes, I am sure it will be interesting, challenging, beautiful, heartbreaking and will irrevocably change me. Nothing is permanent.

October 30th

I cry and I cry
All the night is still dark
And all the stars are like your eyes

But I still stare into the darkness
But I still search for the star I had named
After you so long and drifting name
After your name that would rebirth

But I'm left with
The cold, cold dark night
I'm here beneath this moon
She tells me it will get better

But I only see the black of night
I only see beauty of what I can't see
I only see of what my words started

October 30, 2007

Renae

Touch me for a moment
Or just a glance
Touch me as if I were a glare
Into the darkness of your soul

I know I'm so not allowed
I know I'm so forbidden

But there is this image
But there is this taste
It is of your eyes so blue
It is of your lips so salty

October 29, 2007