Saturday, March 05, 2005

two days...

the beginning of two days away from the nuts i affectionately call "co-habitants" (as opposed to vermin). of course there are those i will miss cause i hate it when i am the most sick and twisted person around. i grate on my nerves.

today, i'll get to throw slabs of flesh on a hot grill. ha, it's only salmon! psych!! ok, that is pretty lame. the timing of my caffeine intake was not well regulated this morning. it is now going through funny spurts. probably should switch to maté at this point but seeing as i have no maté that is going to be tough.

Friday, March 04, 2005

friday horoscope

"It's not your imagination. They've been staring at you, and you've been staring back. Think about all those secret smiles you two have exchanged over the past few weeks. It's time to take this thing out for a test-ride."

oh gawd!


earlier today:

the morning starts with noise from the tv. cheap tabloid gossip disguised as news. the chatter is followed by relentless superlative expressions and bloated gurgling voices that are empty. empty not in the way the universe is empty but empty in the way hatred is void of introspection. and the subjects range from lacie peterson to the bible, which they all believe to be equally important in the big scheme of things. important in the way that sports celebrities are equated to spiritual leaders. important in the way in the way the jock of the moment is equated to mahatma gandhi.

in the long run, i’ll hold no resentments towards them. they teach me valuable lessons. they remind me i have the choice between toiling in ubiquitous mindless jibberish or reflecting upon the choices that we can, in fact, make.

dave just started laughing hysterically as i walked by and muttered to myself, “stupid people shouldn’t breed.”


the pitfalls of using wifi in a public place:

sitting next to you is a cisco technocrat who exhibits antisocial behavior as he is self-important enough to plant himself in the middle of a bench with two tables in front of it. the manner of his placement is sort of the same as the way the old chinese culture sees and calls itself the "middle kingdom" (the character in question is the symbol for "center"). another workable analogy would be the way the catholic church used to insist (with fear of excommunication) that earth was in the center of the solar system.

i would normally not go through such a discourse with the others in my head but after asking twice (politely) if i could scoot in (read: make room [polite form]; move your ass over [vernacular condescend form]) he doesn't even so much as utter a "oh," "sure," or "yes." instead he is too busy looking at his yahoo! financials. if he is so significant, why is he using a free service to track his stock options?

some might say that i have acquired an incredible distate, almost dislike, almost hatred for the technocrats of the high tech economy. it could be true. i will have to contemplate. however, "hate" is such a strong word. as a friend once said, "it takes a lot of energy to hate something or somebody." i think he is right. karmic energy used toward hate is not a renewable resource. it just comes around one day and you find yourself reincarnated as a banana slug!

ah, it makes sense est français! ha!


it's just after 5pm. i've survived...

Thursday, March 03, 2005

reason #11

sterotypes exist for a reason...because they are really out there!

and in public places are the last optimal venues to discover them. especially when they sit next to you and they won't go away and you really don't want to go away. it is even worse when they like to laugh at anything in a manner that is astronomically more hysterical than it needs to be. reason #11 for why headphones were invented.

beauty in lament


Where are those dazzling hills touched by the sun,
Those crags in childhood that I used to climb?
Hidden, hidden under mist is yonder mountain,
Hidden is the heart.

A day of cloud, a lifetime falls between,
Gone are the heather moors and the pure stream,
Gone are the rocky places and the green,
Hidden, hidden under sorrow is yonder mountain,
Hidden, hidden.

O storm and gale of tears, whose blinding screen
Makes weather of grief, snow's drifting curtain
Palls th'immortal heights once seen.
Hidden, hidden is the heart,
Hidden, hidden is the heart.

Kathleen Raine

this morning i was googling for a poem from one of my favorite poets. i had discovered her work about two years ago at random. and just moments ago, staring at blue letters in a list of search results i learned that she died in 2003. but that first poem by her that i read said "Kathleen Raine (b. 1908). British". a twinge of sadness passed through me. it was then followed by the realization of the beauty in the form of her writings that she left behind. i remember how i printed out the first poem i had discovered by her. it was called "envoi." it was beautiful.

all thins change. in the fleeting moment when there is beauty it must be grasped with the heart. it must be grasped in its entirety, not just the pretty but the source and the non-beauty that enables that gives us the contrast.

Wednesday, March 02, 2005

reflections on a dew drop

" makes me look farther down the road too, for myself. i would be lying if i said it didn’t scare me. there are so many things that i pick up to distract myself. they have the potential to make me ask what i’m doing and the value they bring forth. i realize that i must let them go, all the things i have no control over and stick to what i can control. i know i have to be patient..."

me quoting myself to remind me the brain still works...

Tuesday, March 01, 2005

the sunrise is...

anthony: yeah, but the sunrise in santa cruz is so much better, more beautiful.

me: what? and the sun rises differently here in the valley?

anthony: yeah, the sunrise here sucks man.

me: the only thing here that sucks is your attitude. you need an optorectomy. it is the surgical procedure that severs the nerves between your eyes and your anus thereby relieving you of your shitty outlook on life.

two minutes later...

anthony: yeah man, as soon as i have a car i'm outa here. i don't like it here. i hate it here.

me: well, there is no one stopping you. go! go forth and make your life wherever! go to santa cruz!

me thinking to myself: just don't be there when i visit santa cruz or maybe even better, i could bring a shitty sunrise with me. yeah, i'll talk to god and order a shitty sunrise for pickup and delivery it myself.


my horoscope today:

"This may be tough astrological turf for some signs to travel, but you'll undoubtedly do just fine. You're no stranger to difficult terrain. In fact, you often secretly welcome the trek. Your partner or best bud may not be quite so enthusiastic about this challenge, but if anyone can talk someone -- no, anyone -- into seeing the positive that might come from the negative, it's definitely you. Get busy."

read: you are crazy enough to do what others know to be insane.

i never complain of being bored. never. people talking who are boring...that is different.

Monday, February 28, 2005

it is one of those days when i should have just stayed in a dark corner of the cafe and blogged. tried too hard to be productive or ambitious or both. made it all the way to downtown, could not find robert at the library where we were supposed to meet. almost lost both my new beret and umbrella in the library. this is after having thrown away my monthly bus pass for february (accidentally) after getting the march pass. spent too much money. i am still amazingly calm and collected. i am most likely on edge but calm for now. trying to build the instinct for being mindful. trying is the key word. there is no use for getting upset at anything since i have a part in each of the events. they are mostly my stupid mistakes. i am now heading back to the cafe in cupertino. gonna hole up so the sky doesn't fall on my head.

here i am blogging on the bus. what an experience hih? whatever works i suppose. fuck em if they can’t take a joke. fuck em all! makes me wonder what kind of material i would amass if i sat on the bus everyday for a couple of hours blogging about what i see. it would certainly make an interesting “day in the life” kind of blog. looking out the scratched window of the bus, the southern horizon of the valley looks beautiful. the sky is clear with scattered high clouds. it is that kind of washed out boring blue but in context it is beautiful nevertheless.